Pretty Does Not Equal Power.
In the spring of 2011, I was entering my 3rd year of law school and interning at a growing law firm in one of Chicago’s collar counties and home to a tightly knit professional organization for lawyers. The junior partner at my firm – a sparkly litigator with a penchant for preppy outfits and a naturally charismatic personality - invited me to join her for the local Judge’s Night, where the county judges would gather together for a meet and greet with local lawyers. So, I channeled my inner Selma Blaire from Legally Blonde and exchanged my usually stylish wardrobe with lots of black on black and loud hoop earrings for a conservative skirt suit with a simple white camisole, tights, low black kitten heels, pearl earrings, and a pearl necklace.
I felt like I looked the part. I knew I looked nothing like myself.
I dutifully arrived 30 minutes before the event began, parked my car, and proceeded to hide in the ladies’ room at the venue. I, afraid of taking up space with my curvy brown self in a sea of white, mostly men, a familiar but still daunting world dominated by people who looked nothing like me, stayed silent and crouching quietly in the stalls until the attorney from my firm rescued me, her in all of her whiteness, all of her sparkle. When I emerged into the reception hall from my bathroom sanctuary, nowhere did I see my brown skin. I only felt a new, searing hatred for what I knew as networking. Each networking event after that felt the same, my unsuccessful attempts to squeeze myself into all white, mostly male spaces, my quirky personality, my mixed culture of Indian and American, my inability to sell to people in the way that my male counterparts made small talk and then aimed straight for their sales pitch.
I am not a robot. I am not a man. I am not white. I am not skinny. I am not flirty.
But, still, what reason did I have to be terrified? By the age of 23, I had obtained my Bachelors from the University of Michigan, scored an elusive research assistant position for a law school professor which included a coveted tuition waiver. I had beaten my classmates, including my boyfriend at the time, for an intense clerkship at a successful and growing Kane County law firm. I had made Dean’s List every semester, was weeks away from graduating with my JD cum laude, and sitting for the Illinois Bar Exam. I was putting the final touches on the publication of my first full length scholarly article through the University of Hawaii. What did I have to be afraid of? I was leaning into my work and my professional identity, and I was leaning HARD. But, even though I had a decent list of accomplishments, I hated networking. It felt inauthentic to me, it made me feel out of my skin, it made me feel fake, and like I wasn’t being true to the person I was the second I got in the car to go home.
A few years and many awful networking attempts later, I found myself divorced after 8 months of marriage and without a worthy job offer on the table, having left my job as an associate at a suburban firm as a result of my nascent marriage, I knew I had a set of skills that could generate revenue. The partner at my old firm chose to partially retire, and I reaped the benefit of his referral business, and his mentorship, in the process. Before I knew it, I had a law practice, but over time, his referrals dwindled, and I had to drum up some business on my own.
But, this was different. Not only did I need to network if I wanted to the clients I needed to pay my rent for the office and my apartment, I needed to network if I wanted to have a name within the Chicago legal community. Over the past nearly 4 years, I’ve successfully created a robust and reliable network of professionals that not only refer me business, but their values and my own align. Our connection stems beyond a mere appreciation for each other’s professional craft. It is an understanding that, for us, excellence is more important than the fees. Guess what, these professionals are mostly women, and are now both my trusted colleagues and unexpected friends.
In the past 8 years and after many failures and restarts, I’ve learned how to recognize my value as a professional. While I know, more than anyone, where I need to improve and grow, I also know what I bring to the table. From an economic perspective of value, I know my gross revenue versus my liabilities. I also know the value of my intangibles - my connections, my skill set, my expertise, my referral sources, my loyal clients.
Note that I did not state competence. To be blunt, your competence is an assumption. If your competence is not an assumption - meaning, that you still have some miles to put in on your experience level - then make it one. You’ve probably heard the saying, as a woman you have to work as a 2x as hard, and then for people of color, it only gets harder from there. It’s true. It’s an underestimation, but it’s true. So, to be memorable, being competent, having a stellar resume and 7 degrees from top 20 schools is enough to get you the interview, the meeting, the face-to-face, the invitation that you want.
But, the sad truth is that competence alone doesn’t magically bring you clients or open the doors to your dream job. Competence gets the job done, but it does not get you the job. What does? The ability to build lasting business relationships within a community that fits the person that you are right now, not the person that you think the world wants you to be. For me, I could not build sustainable business relationships for a long time - that is, until I learned how to honor my whole self whenever I walk into any networking space. I went from hiding in bathroom stalls to closing multi-million dollar deals that I generated from my network.
This blog is designed to share a few modest tips from my evolution from being that scared law clerk in the bathroom stall with her dainty pearls and lackluster suit to being an award-winning attorney and entrepreneur by slaying networking my way.
I’m not going to tell you to lean in or fake it til you make it. Instead, I’m going to give you simple steps to taking a new approach to generating business in a way that’s true to you because, building your own network, building your own connections, building a community for yourself - that’s a part of your value. Again, competency is a piece - an important piece - but just one piece of the dynamic person that you are. Networking authentically is a skill that you can learn! It’s not reserved for the naturally charismatic or just the white guys in the room. It’s teachable, but you have to get down and dirty with yourself and your current approach to networking. You are all you need to create business, but you have to believe that you are enough to create something from nothing. That belief will augment your professional practice, as well as your reputation, in the best of ways, but you have to get there first.
While I also have a lot to learn on my own, I created this blog, and this company, to provide fellow women and women of color with a space where they could learn how to network in a way that did not ignore their differences. I hope you, my reader, will be able to find some comfort, some sense, some clarity, as you embark on the difficult, but thrilling, process of making your own rain. And, don’t forget, it’s not about how you look - it’s about how you feel. There is power in finding your joy, and I promise, power will look good on you. We’re here to help you discover and cultivate that joy, that power, that truth of who you are, as you embark on your professional endeavors.
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Until later.
