How to Glow Up in a Man’s World
This past March, I had the privilege of speaking on a panel titled "Sisters-in-Law" hosted by several minority student associations at Chicago's John Marshall Law School. Now, there are few things in the world that bring me more personal joy than working with new professionals and students, and having sat on this panel last year, I was so excited for the evening on Wednesday.
And, the evening did not disappoint. The students assembled several well-scripted, considerate, and relevant questions about the panelists' experiences as women in the law. The experience resonated with me, and in reflecting on the event, I realize that the questions presented to our panel by young female law students, many of whom are women of color, reflected issues that most women of color in any profession face. That said, I write today to share with you a few of the questions and my responses, some of which I nailed last night and some of which I wish I would have said at the time in hopes that it might help any fellow female navigate the complexities of developing a professional persona in what still is, in many ways, a man's world.
Question: What advice do you have for young law students?
Any young professional should keep their options open. I explained to the law students that, during my first year of law school, I wanted to do criminal law. During my second year, I wanted to do securities regulation. During my third year, I wanted to do family law. I now do none of those things. That said, keep your mind open to opportunities and don't pigeonhole yourself in any specific area of expertise - be it within the law, medicine, marketing, tech - until you've had sufficient exposure to make an informed decision.
In the same vein, I also encourage students to adopt the same mentality in inviting mentors and sponsors into their lives. As the head of mentorship for a large organization for lawyers in Chicago, I often find students that are dissatisfied with being placed with a mentor outside of their respective interest area. As an experienced professional, this attitude neglects long-term relationships and prospects that might go beyond what you think you’re interested in right now. Don’t be so short-sighted. I would suggest instead investing in any mentoring relationship with an experienced and willing professional with whom you connect, that you admire, and that you trust. Just because a more seasoned professional's practice areas might not lie squarely within your own doesn't mean that they cannot teach you anything and that you cannot benefit from that connection and their experiences.
Question: How can women develop courage and confidence in a patriarchal world?
I was so excited for this question that it's truly remarkable that I didn't fall out of my seat. If you've read my blog before, you know my first suggestion - believe in your beautiful brain. Your brain is your greatest asset, so don't be afraid to bet on it.
That also means, take care of your greatest asset. Fill your brain with knowledge within and outside of your profession. Be the best at what you do, but also be engaged with the world around you. Be interested in the world, and you'll be amazed at how interesting people will find you.
A fellow panelist suggested a power stance, and I agree. Posture, eye contact, and a firm handshake are just a few ways of showing up for yourself when you come to the table. I added on to her sage advice for students to remember to take up space in professional settings and don't try to minimize your physical self. When I sit at a closing table, I'm not afraid to stake out my work space and sit comfortably without worrying about everyone else being comfortable.
Question: How have you handled situations where you've had to advocate for yourself, such as negotiating your salary?
While I've never had to negotiate my salary, I have had to negotiate my fees with my clients and negotiate deals with other lawyers. While I don't rely heavily on pro-con lists, I do try to "play out the tape" on any situation in front of me and ask myself about the scope of risk in front of me. Instead of engaging in a tedious pro-con list, try instead visualizing the experience of asking for what you want. What is the worst that can happen? They say no? Mock you? Well, if your employer mocks you for asking for a raise, perhaps consider a new employer. If they say, "Sorry, it's not the right time," what have you lost? It might sting a little bit, but it's better than sitting around wondering, "What if?" It allows you to make a decision about your next move. I meet many brilliant new professionals who are scared to make a move to better their own careers, and I'm not afraid to admit that I was once that person as well. It's understandable, but you will never get what you want if you're unable to communicate it clearly, professionally, and in a timely manner.
Question: How do you deal with imposter syndrome?
Whenever I feel that misplaced feeling that I am somehow not meant to be in a professional space, I ask myself one simple question:
"What would a straight white man do?"
That question usually turns my panic into power nearly instantaneously. I mean, let’s be honest - when did you last witness a straight white male last suffer from imposter syndrome? Be honest.
While I wasn’t specifically supporting Elizabeth Warren, her departure from the presidential race (which, thankfully, occurred after the panel discussion), reinforces the entirely unfounded yet rampant belief that a woman cannot serve in the highest office in our land. An article in The Guardian this week revealed that “90% of people are biased against women.”
I’m currently reading Tough Love by Dr. Susan Rice, and in recalling the backlash from GOP members of Congress against her initial comments about the 2012 Benghazi attack, Dr. Rice recalls Senator Lindsay Graham musing that Rice was “either incompetent or untrustworthy.” I stopped in my tracks when I heard this phrase (I am “reading” via Audible). This reductionist view of Dr. Rice reflects the larger problem at hand - when men make mistakes, they are human and fallible, but when women make mistakes, we are either incompetent or untrustworthy. I should note, however, that Dr. Rice’s statements about the 2012 Benghazi attack, provided at the request of the White House and while Dr. Rice was the US Ambassador to the United Nations, were not mistakes. She simply repeated the information that was provided to her by the intelligence community, a fact that was later accepted by Congress. However, not without being accused of being either “incompetent or untrustworthy.” Way to shoot the messenger, Senator Graham.
I think that the mentality illustrated by Senator Graham’s statement, sadly, reflects the worldview for many people, including women. Something that I’ve struggled with in my journey to becoming my own boss is how to reject haters. I’ve somehow learned how to let ignorant statements fuel my success, but I long personalized discriminatory statements when those statements have nothing to do with my person. Be weary of imprinting the stereotypes and limitations that others place on you upon your self-perception. Don’t bring their hate into the way you see yourself. Letting that hatred, that ignorance, that bigotry, into your psyche is the quickest way to lose the fight for your power and our collective equality as a gender. Don’t be your own worst enemy. There are plenty of people who will make the world hard for you, for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean you have to believe that their hate is accompanied by truth.
Master your poker face. There's lots of talk these days about women pushing back on patriarchy by not smiling on demand to please the male gaze. I am going to take this a step further. Get your poker face on. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Does that mean don't be vulnerable? No. But, it does mean, be intentional when you share your vulnerability. Let no one see how you're feeling unless you want them to see it, particularly when it comes to being a boss in whatever work you do. It might feel like an out of body experience, but pick a poker face and stick to it. Your poker face can be a smile, if you want it to be! It can be your beautiful scowl. It can be whatever you want it to be, but take time to watch yourself speak in the mirror to see what your "tells" might be, and work on controlling those when in professional settings, particularly where you might feel like an outsider. Vulnerability is a powerful tool in creating connections, but I would suggest walking into any situation with your poker face.
(Channel Hillary on the stage at the Trump inauguration).
So, there you have it. My nutshell summary of what will go down as one of my favorite conversations of 2020 so far.
In concluding, on this International Women's Day of 2020, to my ladies, you are phenomenal, you are smart, you are everything you need and far more than you need or know. You are the creators, the destroyers, the connectors, the architects.
Even though the world has failed to give us the keys to power that women so richly deserve, the world's failure is not a reflection on our aptitude. You are competence in its highest form. You are honor, even with your flaws, and you are truth, even when you feel shaded. You need nothing but yourself, your support system, and your brain to make the world your playground.
The first step is to bet on yourself (and your sexy brain), and remember, when in doubt, just think, "What would a straight white man do?
I hope you do something to celebrate yourself this International Women’s Day, or even better, do something to celebrate yourself and another woman you know. As one of my favorite heroes, former Secretary of State Madeline Albright, says: “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.”
Help yourself, help other women, and help the world be better.
Until later -
