Whenever I ask one of my dear mentors for advice about the next steps to take with my career, the response is always reliable and the same: “P, where are you going, and who are you going with?” It’s a simple question, but the breadth of the inquiry covers pretty much all you need to know when approaching the art of building business relationships. What’s the final destination? Who do you trust to go with you along the way? What is your community? 

When I began a law firm in downtown Chicago in the year of my divorce at the age of 29, I had no idea where to start finding clients, or friends for that matter. I had spent my early years building a network in Chicago’s far suburban counties, a great network that was essentially useless in downtown Chicago’s competitive legal market. After years of trying to emulate a sparkly, skinny, naturally charismatic junior partner at my old firm, I quit my job, and shortly thereafter, I left my husband, and found myself at rock bottom, without a quality job prospect on the table. I was still nothing like the junior partner. I was still brown, with black hair, and brown eyes and wide hips, and a fear of doing the wrong thing, or anything for that matter. To make matters worse, my network was sparse, and I had rent to pay, and for the first time on my own in 8 years. I kept trying to squeeze my curvy brown self into spaces that were traditionally intended for white men. I kept thinking that somehow, some white man would recognize my potential and give me the dream legal career. I wasted my precious free time and money trying to network in spaces where, again, like I did years ago, I found myself hiding out, waiting out the clock until I could give myself permission to go home, sleep, work, and then network awkwardly again. Wash, rinse, repeat. Horrible, horrible, horrible. I was miserable, unsuccessful in making connections, and I was spending a lot of money to attend events that I did not enjoy during my precious hours outside of the office.

But one day I (finally) realized, as I lamented over my tiny book of business and growing pile of bills, that I was free. Yes, I was alone, without a significant other or an employer to protect me, and I had to feed myself. But, I had my freedom, my health, an incredibly supportive family, and a surprisingly robust set of legal skills that I acquired during my time at the firm, and a few mentors ready to show me the ropes to the local customs for City of Chicago real estate. 

So, instead of signing up for yet another awful happy hour in a space where I felt like my brown skin blended into the wallpaper, I googled women’s organizations in Chicago and South Asian lawyer organizations, and I decided to sign up for 2 different groups. I stumbled on the Professional Women’s Club of Chicago, where I participated in their progressive networking luncheon and left with 40 business cards and multiple invitations to meet fellow female professionals for coffee. That led to involvement in a committee within the organization as well as an introduction to an intimate women’s business networking group that truly became a network of sisters in my baby steps of becoming an entrepreneur. I coupled that with involvement with a spontaneous decision to apply to be on the board of directors for the local affinity group for South Asian lawyers. 

Suddenly, I didn’t feel compelled to run to the bathroom and hide at events until my friends showed up. I found myself looking forward to the events, meeting new people, helping my different communities flourish in different ways. In one, I joined the member recruitment committee and became part of a sisterhood. I felt less stressed about the possibility of attending these events and doors began to open up to me as I began building connections by putting my own interests first. I dove into my first experience as a director on a board of a major professional organization in a room with people that were brown, like me, lawyers, like me, and together, we were doing things to help other brown people. We also networked with other minority bar association, which led to a broad coalition of connections and friendships, and we share a great many commonalities far beyond our professional interests. In addition to getting involved with these professional organizations, I also took on non-professional volunteer positions with the local animal shelter and a girls’ organization, and I agreed to mentorship opportunities with younger legal professionals. I also looked for a kayaking class. 

And guess what?

Gradually, by volunteering my time rigorously and by applying the same zeal with which I approached my legal work, by (finally) embracing my deep desire to empower fellow women and people of color and by making intentional choices to network wherever I wanted with the people I wanted in the spaces I wanted, my network grew. Slowly, people from both groups started to realize that I took my professional work seriously and that I was trustworthy and relatable. I showed them the best of myself without shoving it in their face. I created lasting relationships with wonderful professionals in all of those spaces whose values seemingly align with my own. Some were lawyers, but many were not. In each space, we had something in common - a shared trait or a shared cause. Some have become referral sources, some have become friends, some have become trusted soundboards, and these are not exclusive categories. All of these connections are meaningful and have only helped my personal and professional value flourish.  

All I had to do was honor my whole self. All I had to do was sign up for stuff that I already enjoyed - community service, growing communities, creating fun spaces for meaningful events. Of course, it was an incredible amount of work on top of starting a law firm and handling a divorce, but it exhilarated me in a way that networking at my old firm never could and led me to a rare joy in the process of generating my network. Networking stopped being icky networking and going to these welcoming spaces that fit with my whole personality became the best part of my week. 

Knowing your environment means knowing your audience. That doesn’t mean hide who you are. Try and stop me from bringing up race and gender without a disclaimer. But, it does mean take advantage of the situation you’re in. If you’re in a room full of professional women and in need of a mentor, sponsor, or advisor, then take advantage of your environment and go look for your mentor. If you want a female mentor but you’re at a heavy male dominated event, don’t look for a mentor. Instead, look for referrals, one-on-ones with people you connect with. Be clear about why you’re making it a priority to go to an event. It doesn’t have to be work related! Many referrals for me come from doing work that I sincerely enjoy, like volunteer work with various organizations or professional affiliations with organizations that I value. 

Not sure if you’re in the right space? Trust your gut. If you want to leave after 15 minutes because you want to go home and binge on your new Netflix obsession, make yourself stick it out, but if you leave because you’re surrounded by people with whom you share no cause, no profession or passion, then get the F out of there and go do something better with your night.  Stop wasting your value in spaces that don’t coincide with your values. Your time is valuable and limited. Make sure you make intentional and self-aware choices about the spaces you seek business, and be open to organic connections.

Try this exercise to inventory your current networking spaces and see if there might be a better fit: 

1. Write down what you’re looking for when you network. Do you want referral sources, direct contact with potential clients, friends, colleagues, mentors, or a new job? Always begin, as Oprah tells us, with your intention in mind. 

2. Write down your personal interests. This means anything outside of your work that brings you joy. For me, this would include women’s empowerment work, reading, whale watching and marine biology, dogs, and race and social justice issues. 

3. Think about the people that you like spending time with the most in your life inside and outside of work. Pick 5 people from different arenas and write down a few things you like about each person. Compare these lists and compile a master list that ties together the shared similarities among the people you most value in your life. 

Now, on a separate sheet of paper, write down all of the places where you network now. Identify which spaces are mandatory and which are not. For example, many law firms may require membership in a local bar association. Be sure to note who pays for each membership (you or your employer).

For any mandatory memberships, go to the organization’s website and explore their committees and see if they have any special interest or affinity groups that capture the interests that you outlined in Question No. 2. Sign up for at least one. Show up. If you don’t like it, try another committee or affinity group within the organization. Find a way to tie your interests outside of work into the mandatory space.

For any non-mandatory memberships that you have, evaluate each one with the following checklist: 

• Have I met anyone in this space that demonstrates characteristics like those that I listed in Question No. 3? 

• Have I met anyone in this group that resulted in the kind of connections that I am looking for, as I noted in Question No. 1? 

• Does this space feed any of my personal interests that I noted in Question No. 2? 

If the answer to all three of those questions is no, get out of there! Why are you spending time in a space that does nothing for you? Here’s the truth that I learned the hard way - some spaces just didn’t want me. But, that truth only hurt for a minute, because the converse truth is that some spaces did want me. They wanted my woman-ness, my brown-ness, my Priti-ness, without a filter, without a pearl necklace and a LV bag, without the bells and whistles. And, the real truth is, my friend, there are many spaces that do want you. So stop wasting your time in the wrong spaces! 

If you answered “no” to 1 or 2 of those questions, do a cost-benefit analysis, also known as a “pro-cons list.” How much does it cost you to attend their events? When was the last time you enjoyed an event with that group? 

And, the ultimate question - on the day of an event with that group, do you dread going, or do you look forward to it? 

The questions seem simple, but many women I’ve met keep running in the same circles, like I did, without any results. 

Now, once you’ve cleaned house, see if you can fit in something new. Go back to Question No. 1. What do you like to do for fun? How can you do more of that with other humans? Set aside time to look for new organizations. Go to their open events, or look through their membership lists to see if you know anyone who is already a member. Sign up for their mailing lists. If you go and don’t like it, don’t go back! Don’t get a membership! Move on, kid! 

Most people have to network over a meal or after hours, and that’s valuable time. Identify spaces for networking where you enjoy. I always tell people that are new to dating, “Make sure you get to pick the venue so you go somewhere you’ve wanted to go or know you like. That way, even if the date sucks, you’ll have a worthy experience.” Same goes for networking. For me, I feel most comfortable and myself in spaces with women (case and point) or with people of color. It just feels right to me. Think about what you would enjoy and where you would feel comfortable. As my younger brother once told me, “Stop trying to be a man. You’re not a man, and it doesn’t make sense for you to pretend you are,” He’s right. I happen to be a woman who loves networking with other women. Some women prefer to network in men. It’s about taking the time to identify your sweet spot and spaces where your anxiety goes through the roof. It takes time to make a group your own, but if you promise to show up and take on committee or volunteer work, you’ll make connections organically. No cheesy pitch needed. 

Once you’ve figured out the right mix of spaces for you to create your own network, it’s time to create your own culture within those spaces. The shorthand way of saying this is to join a committee. Join the board of directors. Volunteer as much as possible. Again, volunteer the way you work, and you’ll be memorable in the best of ways (provided you’re not a lazy person). But, underlying all of this, is honoring the person that you are as a whole. So, in addition to working with the South Asian legal community and Chicago’s professional women, I wanted to also work with some of my more personal passions.

In all regards, the name of the game is get involved. Showing up is 90% of the battle. I’ve been on committees that require perhaps 2 hours of my time a month, but in exchange, I build lasting connections with women who have later referred me work and also been mentors and sounding boards. Committee work is the secret way to really get the social and business development value from a networking association. Stop spending money on ad lists, and start focusing on the relationships within the community that you’re building. In a sense, you’re creating your own culture. Create your community and stick to it. Don’t let anyone take it from you, but share it as much as you can. As Audre Lorde tells us, “Without community, there is no liberation.”

You can’t take up space unless you make your space, and only you can decide what’s right for you. As I often say, chase the joy, and the money will come. 

Until later. 

Yours, in Power 

Priti

AKA The Boss Lady’s Lawyer